Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
