i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
