Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
