Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
