i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
