So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
