Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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