cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
