if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
