I think im going to throw up on grandma
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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