My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
