Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
