There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
