I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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