he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
