I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
