Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
