Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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