my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
