youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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