He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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