yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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