The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
