Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
