Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
