if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He shit in the fireplace
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
