i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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