i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
