my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Even my vagina gasped.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
This baby is an asshole
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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