She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
