it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
