I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize