it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
