You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
