I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
