Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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