So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
