I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
