You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I could make wine with my vomit
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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