i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
