i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I am naked and annoyed.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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