I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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