Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
