My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
