Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
