Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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