I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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