I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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