i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
