Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
