I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
