i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
