she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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