I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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