i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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