I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize