He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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