Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize