it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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