I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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