That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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