i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
