I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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