bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
