Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
