U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
